The Fallacy of Closure

"Walking Between The Raindrops" has been out for one year now. It's been more successful than we imagined it would be and our appreciation goes out to those who've supported us, recommended the book to others and the wonderful people who've never turned their backs on us through the good, the bad, and the ugly.

People often say that writing the book must have given us closure. I usually agree and then I thought I'd look up the definition of the word. Miriam Webster defines "closure" as 'a feeling that a bad experience has ended and that you can start to live again in a calm and normal way'. Our reality is not that simple. I wish it were. I don't know how it is for other victims of violent crimes, but, for us, closure is a transient notion. Don't get me wrong, we are much closer to the people we were on February 25, 2008 than who we became the next day. I'd like to think that we're much wiser and living more in the present than ever before; that we don't sweat the small stuff so much.

Days, sometimes weeks, do go by that we don't think about the kidnapping or Mexican drug cartels. We always think about being alert, not getting into set routines and each other's safety; a positive change that will be with us forever. Then, something will trigger the fear and we're inside that fear again.

A car, in my rear view mirror, seems to be following me and I'll give it the opportunity to pass me or I'll purposefully change my route suddenly to "lose" them, all the while feeling my heart begin to race and a knot form in the pit of my stomach. A windowless van pulls up and parks next to us as we're parking and we'll pull out and park somewhere else. Anyone who comes up behind us suddenly will think they've given us a heart attack by the way we jump! The triggers are there.

Recent news of "El Chapo" Guzman escaping Puente Grande Prison reminded us that the cartel boss in our case, Miguel Trevino Morales, "Z-40", was in that same prison when he was arrested. I wondered if Miguel was still there and did a Google search. I discovered he'd been moved to Altiplano Prison in Juarez on the Texas border. He's filed several appeals, had witnesses murdered and complained about his "standard of living". (www.breitbart.com/texas/2015/06/29/cartel-gunmen-silence-star-witness-in-trial-of-los-zetas-boss-in-mexico/) (www.borderlandbeat.com/2015/02/court-orders-manuel-trevino-morales-z40.html) Some might say, "Don't read this stuff!" That's not possible. Not knowing is worse than knowing- at least, for me. We don't dwell on fear but we won't ever stick our heads in the sand again, either.

For us, there is no closure. The door will always be cracked open a tiny bit.

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Why?

Since "Walking Between The Raindrops" went on sale and the television interview was done on KVUE-TV 24, I've had lots of reactions and all of them supportive. Many look at this as a way for Paul and I to heal. Many tell me how brave I am for sharing the story publicly. It has helped the healing process but that's not why I wanted to publish the book. I'm not brave either.

The reason for the book going public is that I see what happened to us as endemic to what is happening around the world. Whether it's religious fanatics, organized crime gangs, political terrorists or any other brand of thug, they are all the same. They are all BULLIES. What I want from publishing this book - what I pray for - is for all of us to stop the bullies who think stealing a PERSON, their sense of self, their family's sense of security and peace is acceptable in any sense. If we don't stand up to them now, we all are liable to be victims to one bully gang or another.

Standing up to bullies is scary, but living in fear is worse. I know.

Where are you on this chart?


"Walking Between The Raindrops" by Mary and Paul Roland - on sale at Amazon.com

Faces of evil

When a mother has a child - most mothers, I believe - she looks into the face of that child, into their eyes, and all she can see is the work of God in her life, in her arms. She sees hope and promise and perfection. As the child grows, she prays for its safety, health and a good life. She prays that it never wants, is never hurt and that only good things will come in that child's life. It doesn't matter if it's her first child or her tenth (or more). Every new life holds that promise and those prayers in her heart.

Still, we all know that no child grows up free from pain or sickness or temptations. As parents and adults, we didn't make it this far without some heartbreak, various illnesses - some life threatening - or mistakes in judgment. Still, we plan and guide and nurture our children as best we can. We pray to our God for mercy and protection and blessings that our children will grow up to be better people than we are; to have love everlasting and make the world a better place. Thankfully, most children do grow up to be happy, healthy and living good lives their parents are proud of. By the Grace of God, Paul and I have been fortunate with our six children. We pray for them every day, just like other parents do around the world for their children. What we don't pray for is that our childrens' lives turn out like the ones in the pictures below. One newspaper called them the "San Antonio Five". I call them the faces of evil.

"Walking Between The Raindrops" by Mary and Paul Roland on sale now at Amazon.com